Q: What are two things
people never eat before breakfast? A: Lunch and supper.
Q: Why did the man throw
a bucket of water out the window? A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
Q: Why did the man throw
the butter out the window? A: He wanted to see the butterfly.
Q: Why did the man put
the clock in the safe? A: He wanted to save time.
Q: What has two hands
and a face, but no arms and legs? A: A clock.
Q: What has a neck, but
no head? A: A bottle.
Q: Where is the ocean
the deepest? A: On the bottom.
Q: Why did the man throw
his watch out of the window? A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: What State in the
United States is High in the middle and round at the ends? A: Ohio.
Q: "There were some
twins. One was twenty, the other was twenty 2. One married the other. How can
be this ?" A: "One was twenty, the other twenty too. One was a priest so he married
the other" PS: These sentences must be asked orally .Pronunciation is important. (too =
2)
Q: How do you spell
mousetrap? A: C-A-T.
This one should be
spoken. Q: How many legs does an ant have? A: Two, the same as an uncle. (HINT: ant = aunt)
Q: How many people are
buried in that cemetery? A: All of them.
Q: What can't be used until it's broken? A: An egg.
Q: What do tigers have
that no other animals have? A: Baby tigers.
Q: What is Black and
white and read (red) all over? A: A newspaper
Q: Why is number six
afraid? A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)
Q: How do you know when
a motorcycle policeman is happy? A: He has bugs on his teeth!
Q: What did zero say to
eight? A: Nice belt. (The 8 looks like a 0 with a belt around its waist.)
Q: What did number 1 say
to 7? A: Nice hair
In the alphabet...
Q: Which is the most
self-centered letter of the alphabet? A: "i" (I)
Q: Which letter is
always trying to find reasons? "y" (Why?")
Q: Which letter is not
me? A: U.
Q: What letter can do
the work in one day that you can do in two days? A: W (Double u- Double you)
Q: Why don't we need a compass
at the North Pole? A: Because every direction is south.
Q: Why is the A like a
flower? A: Because the B is after it.
Why is the letter
"A" like noon? Because it's in the middle of the day.
Q: "What letter of
the alphabet has got lots of water?" A: "The C"
Q: "What letter of
the alphabet is always waiting in order?" A: "The Q. (queue)
Q: What has two heads,
four eyes, six legs and a tail? A: A horse and its rider.
Q: What is as big as a
horse but doesn't weigh anything? A: The horse's shadow.
Q. Why was the hearse
horse hoarse? A. Because of the coffin
Q: Why are men with
pierced ears better suited for marriage? Q: Because they have suffered and bought jewelry.
Q: What begins with T,
ends with T and has T in it? A: A teapot.
Q: Do you know why birds
fly to south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk there.
Q: Why do birds fly
south in the fall? A: Because it's too far to walk!
Q: Which letters do
Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday have in common? A: None! None of them have "c", "o","m" or
"n" in them.
I tried this one with
Japanese university students. They understood all the words and enjoyed it.
Q: What are the 3
important rings in life? A: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering.
Q: Which room has no
doors, no windows. A: A mushroom.
Q: What gets wetter as
it dries? A: A towel
Q: A man rode into town
on Tuesday. Two days later he rode home on Tuesday. How is this possible? A: His horse's name is Tuesday.
Q: Why didn't the
skeleton go to the dance? A: He didn't have anybody to take. (any BODY)
Q: A father and his son
were in a car accident. The father died. The son was taken to the hospital. The
doctor came in and said: I can't do surgery on him, because he's my son. Who
was the doctor? A: The doctor was his mother.
It's an old riddle that
is more difficult in some countries than in others.
Q: Why did the student
take a ladder to school? A: Because he/she was going to high school!
Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: What are the two
strongest days of the week? A: They are Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weak (week) days.
Q: How far can a dog run
into the forest? A: Halfway, after that he is running out of the forest.
Q: What do you call a
bear without an "ear"? A: BBBBBBB
Q: Which is faster, heat
or cold? A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
A: How many apples can
you eat if your stomach is empty? B: 4 or 5 A: No, that's wrong, because after eating one apple your stomach isn't
empty.
If you are doing a
discussion about space, then students will like this one.
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse
go to outer space? A: To find Pluto.
Q: What is the differnce
between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother? A: One is Moscow, the other is a cow's Ma. (It needs to be spoken to understand it.)
Q: What do you call a
Spaniard who can't find his car? A: Carlos It's pronounced "carless" (meaning without a car)
Q: What's the difference
between electricity and lightening? A: You don't have to pay for lightening.
This riddle may be used
when teaching a lesson on occupations.
Q: What's the difference
between a TEACHER and a CONDUCTOR ? A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a conductor MINDS the TRAIN.
Q: What part of your
body disappears when you stand up? A: Your lap. (good for phrasal 'stand up', and 'laptop', lap-dog, etc.)
Q: What do you call a
witch at the beach? A: A sandwich.
Q: Why did the traffic
signal turn red? A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Q: What's the difference
between a lion with toothache and a wet day? A: One's roaring with pain the other's pouring with rain
Q: Why are baseball
stadiums so cool? A: There is a fan in every seat.
My Spanish-speaking
students got a kick out of this one.
Q: What do you call a
person who speaks 3 languages? A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual. Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages? A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual. Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language? A: An American!
Q: What do you call a
fish without an eye? A: Fsh. (Hint: No "eye" = No "i")
Q: What has thirteen
hearts but no body and no soul? A: A pack of playing cards.
Q: What do you call a
fish that only cares about himself? A: Selfish.
Q: Why couldn't Mozart
find his teacher? A: Because the teacher was Hayden. (Hayden --> Hidin' --> Hiding)
Q. What's a
minimum? A. A very small mother! (mini-mom)
Q: Why can't a bicycle
stand on its own? A: Because it's two-tired (too tired)
Q: What do you get if
you cross a pig with a karate fighter? A: Pork chops.
Q: What's got a head and
a tail, but no body? A: A coin.
Q: What's got a wave but
no sea? A: My hair.
Q: What has three feet
but no legs or arms? A: A yard.
Q: Where does a boxer
who weighs 135 kilograms sit on a bus? A: Wherever he wants to.
What makes
"oom" and gives milk? A cow walking backwards.
Q: What does a man say
when he walks into a bar? A: Ouch!
Q: Where does Dracula
stay when he goes to New York City? A: The Vampire State building.
Q: What do cows like to
read? A: The mooooospaper
Q: What is the longest
word? A: Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last s.
Re-worded by another
teacher. Q: What's the longest word in the English language? A: Smiles. (Because there's a mile between the first and the last letter.)
A: What is the word that
everybody always says wrong? B: "Wrong".
Q: What five-letter word
becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? A: Short
A: What's the longest
word in the dictionary? B; Rubber-band -- because it stretches.
Q. How many seconds are
there in one year? A. Twelve. January second, February second, March second...
Q. What two days of the
week start with the letter "T"? A. Tuesday and Thursday? NO, today and tomorrow!
Q: What did the doughnut
say to the loaf of bread? A: If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.
Q: Why did the pony have
a sore throat? A: Because it was a little horse. (hoarse)
Q: What did the
undertaker die of? A: Coughfin' (coffin)
Q: Why can't a nose be
twelve inches? A: Because then it would be a foot.
Q: How do porcupines
kiss each other? A: Very carefully.
Q: What has four wheels
and flies? A: A garbage truck.
Q: What has teeth but
can't bite? A: A Comb.
Q: Why did the chicken
cross the road? A: To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the turkey
cross the road? A. Because the chicken was on vacation.
Q. Why did the baby
cross the road? A. Because it was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the germ
cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide!
A: Why did the chewing-gum cross the road? B: Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.
Q: Why did the chicken
cross the road? A: To show the possum it could be done.
Q: Why do people call
their own language their mother tongue? A: Because their fathers seldom get a chance to use it.
NOTE: For this to be funny,
students need to understand that in many cultures women have the image of
speaking so much that their husbands seldom have a chance to say anything.
Q: A big moron and a
little moron are walking across a bridge when the big moron falls off. Why didn't
the little moron fall off? A: He was a little more on.
Q: Name one eight letter
word that has kst in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end. A: "Inkstand", "in" is at the beginning, "kst" is
in the middle, and "and" is at the end.
Q: When does a dialect
become a language? A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.
Q: What is a Honeymoon
Salad? A: Lettuce alone without any dressing.
Q: Why is it impossible
to starve in the desert? A: Because of all the sandwiches (sand which is) there.
Q: Why don't sharks eat
clowns? A: Because they taste funny.
Q: What would the pig
say when its tailed was held tight by the farmer who had a sharp knife in his
other hand? A: "That's the end of me!"
Q: Do you know where
people send a horse when it is sick? A: To a horsepital.
Q: What did the doctor
say when the invisible man called to make an appointment? A: Tell him I can't see him today.
Q: Which 'BUS' could
cross the ocean? A: Columbus!
Q: What a bee says when
it gets in the hive? A: Hi Honey! I'm home!
Q: How do you catch a
squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a nut !
A: Why did the boy
balloon chase the girl balloon? Q: Because he wanted to see her bust!
Q: What do you call a
fish with no eyes? A: fsh (No letter "i", so no i's.)
Q: What do you call a
deer with no eyes? A: No idea. (No eye deer)
Q: What do you call a
deer with no eyes or legs? A: Still no idea.
Q: Where do cows go for
entertainment? A: They go to the mooovies!
Q: What animal is it
that has four legs a tail and flies? A: A dead horse!
A: What is the
difference between a mail box and an elephant? B: I don't know. A: I'm not going to give you any letters to post then!
Q: What do you call 'a
fly' without wings? A: You call it 'a walk.'
I saw this on a web-site
of musician jokes. It's not original, but I thought I would share it. Here it
is:
Q: What's the difference
between a musician and a savings bond? A: A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
Q: What color is a
guitar string? A: Plink! (It is the sound the a guitar makes. The word sounds like the color
"pink.")
What goes "ZUB,
ZUB"? A bee flying backwards.(Buz,Buz)
(After teaching about
telling time) Teacher: What time is it? Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine? Teacher: Nope. Students: About nine o'clock? Teacher: No. Students: What then? Teacher: It's time to go home.
Q: What did one light
bulb say to another light bulb? A: You are the light of my life.
Q: Why did the golfer
take and extra pair of pants for his Saturday round of golf? A: In case he got a hole in one.
Q. Why did the golfer
wear two pairs of trousers? A. In case he got a hole in one!
Q: What flowers have two
lips? A: Tulips
Q: They travel all over
the world but end up in the corner, what are they? A: Stamps
Q: Why didn't the farmer
cry when his dairy cow fell off the cliff? A: There's no use crying over split milk.
Q: Ten copycats were
sitting in a boat, and one jumped out. How many were left? A: None. They were all copycats.
Q: What is the
difference between a jeweler and a jailor? A: A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.
Q: What is a
bachelor? A: A man who never Mrs. (misses) anyone.
Q: Why do cows have
bells? A: Because their horns don't work.
This one may be
difficult for some ESL students since it requires knowing the words
"seagull", "bay" and "bagel"
Q: Why do seagulls fly
over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
Q: What's the difference
between a trampoline and an English textbook? A: You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.
Q: How do you get ten
English teachers to agree on the best teaching method? A: Shoot nine of them. (Use as an example of the insult variety of jokes.)
Q: Why were the little
drops of ink crying? A: Their mother was in the pen and they did not know how long her sentence
would be.
Q: How many sheep does it take to make one wool sweater? A: I didn't even know sheep could knit!
Q: What's a teacher's
favorite nation? A: Expla-nation.
Q: What's the most
colorful state of U.S.A.? A: Color-ado.
Q: In what state does it
cost the most to live in? A: Expennsylvania.
Q: What did the cannibal
who was late for dinner get? A: The cold shoulder.
A Christmas time joke
for grammar classes: Q: What do you call Santa's helpers? A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: What do you call a
dog with no legs? A: Why bother, he won't come anyway.
Q: How do you top a
car? A: Tep on the brake, tupid!
Q: Is there a word in
the English language that uses all the vowels including "y" ? A: Unquestionablely!
Q: Why do birds fly
south for the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk. Submitted by Kevin Long
Vocabulary Quiz: Q: What is the longest word in the English language? A: Smiles. (There is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.)
Information Quiz: Q: What is the tallest building in our town? A: The library. (It has the most stories.)
Q: If you are Russian
before you enter the bathroom and Finnish after you leave the bathroom, what
are you when you are in the bathroom?
A: European.
(You're a-peein'.)
This riddle may be good
for high-level science majors.
Q: What do you call a
test tube that graduates from high school? A: A graduated cylinder
Here is a good riddle to
demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes. Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman? A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth
for a few moments. A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
Q: How did Jonah feel
after he got swallowed by a fish? A: Down in the mouth.
Q: What did the monk say
to the hotdog vendor? A: Make me one with everything.
Maybe only appropriate
for more mature students.
Q: What did the fish say
when he hit the wall? A: Dam!
Q: A man was locked in a
room with only a bed, a calendar, and a piano. How did he drink, how did he
eat, and how did he get out? Another man was locked in a room with only a
mirror and a table. How did he get out? A third man was locked in an empty
room. How did he escape?
A: The first man drank
from the springs of the bed, ate the dates off the calendar and played the
piano until he found the right key, which he used to unlock the door. The
second man looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and
cut the table in half. Next, he put the two halves together to make a whole.
Finally, he crawled out through the hole. The third man broke out with the
measles.
Q. What's brown and
sticky? A. A stick!
Teacher: How can we get
some clean water? Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
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